I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
