Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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