Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
