Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
