i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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