Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
