Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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