He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
