are you still at the devil's house?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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