ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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