I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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