I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
