so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
