if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
