if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
