They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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