I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
