billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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