The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
