She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
