im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
