hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
