Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
