I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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