I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
