And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
