I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
