At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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