he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
