I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
