the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
