She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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