If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
