i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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