Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just found a bag of teeth...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
