A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
