k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Girls should come with a carfax report
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
