the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
