wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
