I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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