Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
