apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
