dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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