the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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