I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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