i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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