Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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