My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
