Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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