alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Can I color on your dick again?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
