Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
